The Greatest Book In The World Series

[Umbrafire]

The following 5 stories were written by Lobstrosity, and I was lucky enough to retrieve them from his computer before it crashed. Unfortunately, the sixth and last book of the series was lost in the file transfer. I shall now bring to you The Greatest Book In The World Series, by Lobstrosity

[Umbrafire]

The thing is that to get food you need a membership to the food club but you don’t really need to get it from the food place, you can get it from pretty much anywhere and you don’t need to know why. However, you do need to tell them the sum of the dollar amount you wish to spend so as they can know how much change to give you. If they don’t give you correct change, then you can simply go to the change palace and get the right amount. If they don’t give you any, it’s because you’re either too fat, or too inept. If you’re too fat then there’s nothing you can do. But if you’re too inept, then you can travel to the brain machine. If you are too inept to do even that, then yo can end up in a time machine and go back to when there’s a five dollar bill in you’re hand, then repeat the process until you’re rich, and then hire someone to not be inept for you. But anyway, at the brain machine there is a possibility that they can help you. Usually they can’t, but if they can, they will need some encouragement, so you’ll also need to end up at a time machine, go back in time to when there’s a TEN dollar bill in you’re hand, then go buy a gun from the gun buying building of some sort. Then you need to travel to the brain machine’s house of representatives, and threaten too kill them if they don’t make you less inept, then when they do, you can go back to the change palace, but the cops will probably be on you’re tail, so you will have to get in line (because there’s always a line) at the brandernath village syrup dump, then collect all the discarded syrup you can in a cart of some sort (I suggest a wheelbarrow), then create a wild contraption with a string so that when the police arrive, they will see a string and think, “oh! A string! I will pull it!”, and they will pull the string and it will cause the syrup to fall on them, most likely incapacitating them, but you may need to finish off the twitching ones. Then you leave brandernath, bound for the change palace, but you may need to stop for refreshments. Upon arrival, the king of gchange palace will immediately recognize you, and that you are no longer too inept, and offer you all the change you need. Then you can return to the trucks that sell the food memberships, but you must know that to avoid certain legal liabilities, the trucks are always rolling. So you must return to brandernath village, collect supplies (refreshments, a hot air balloon, a parachute, a rope, some salad tongs, a very clever monkey, a beaker of acid, and a sack of marbles), and begin the incredible chase of the membership trucks. After several days of hot air ballooning, you should spot the trucks on the Great Siberian Highway. They travel in an 8 truck convoy, and the food membership truck is always in the lead. The balloon will only have enough fuel left to get to the last truck, so you need to dump the refreshments to lighten the load, get as high as you can, tie the salad tongs to the rope, give it to the very clever monkey, strap the parachute to him, and send him out. Once his parachute opens, he will descend to a level of about 320 feet. That’s when you need to have the acid and the marbles ready. When he lands on the last truck, you pull the balloon thing for a controlled burn of 2.4 seconds. That should get you high enough for phase beta of the operation. The monkey will kill the driver of the last truck, and use the salad tongs to hold the steering wheel in place, and the man’s skull to hold down the gas. Once the very clever monkey builds a slingshot out of human bones and ligaments, he will fire the other end of the rope up to you. You’ll only have one try, so grab the rope, tie it to the balloon, and hold on to you’re marbles and acid. The balloon should run out of fuel, and will suddenly drop. The salad tongs will hold in place, so that the balloon will catch the air, like parasailing. You slide down the rope to the last truck. You then use the acid to burn a hole into the top of the truck, drop inside, and collect the harpoon-gun inside. The monkey will cut the fuel line, so that’s you’re signal to get the hell out of there. Fire the harpoon-gun at the back of the next truck, and pull yourself aboard. Keep in mind that the trucks are going sixty down the highway, and that the Croatian police and armed forces are in hot pursuit. The chopper units will be dropping down, so take your marbles and proceed to the next truck. When you get to the truck behind the lead truck, the chopper troops will attack. Use your marbles to make them slip off the back, but keep one. The driver of the lead truck will have been informed of a marble bearing stranger with good advice from a fortune teller just two weeks ago. Give him the marble and inform him of the Croatian police and armed forces in pursuit. He will gladly give you the food membership and dive from the seat of the truck. Then you need to take the wheel and evade the Croatians for 45 minutes. Then the monkey should show up with the entire Fighting Possum Corps. With the help of the FPC and the very clever monkey, you engage in a long and bloody 3 day battle. When it’s all over, the remaining FPC will escort you (the monkey having died in the fight from a case of friendly fire) back to brandernath village. There you can finally use your food membership to buy all the refreshments you could ever dream of.









The End?

[Umbrafire]

Greatest Series in the World
Second Greatest Book in the World
(2nd in the series, not greatness)
The Return of that Monkey from the 1st one

The very clever monkey is back. This time, with a vengeance ...

One day, not long after you get the food membership, everything went horribly awry in Brandernath. A stranger showed up, but not just any stranger, a monkey. In fact, the very same monkey who helped you to claim your very own food membership, although he died in the process, this monkey is clearly alive... or so you thought! Upon arrival the monkey started gouging eyes and slashing guts and kicking throats. The MAYOR of Brandernath even showed up, but the monkey got him too. The citizens of Brandernath were truly terrified. But then help arrived from the sky, in the form of a large penguin with a parachute. But the penguin was far from reaching the ground, and the monkey was using his super sonic special psychic mind power ability to explode people’s heads where they stood. The penguin shouted “Don’t stay there, run!” But soon the streets were empty. As the penguin dropped lightly onto the roof of the building with the sign exclaiming “Welcome to Brandernath,” the only three survivors of the monkey incident appeared. The MAYOR, who is badly injured, you, the greatest hero of them all, and that guy, who probably gets killed soon anyway. And sure enough, the monkey leaped with surprising agility, and cut that guy’s face off. You had to carry the MAYOR down several flights of stairs to safety, behind Joe’s Chicken Shack. There the penguin from above used his own super powers to create a house of reflector shields to keep the MAYOR safe, then you and the penguin run for the nearest building. But no. Too late. The monkey attacked and stopped you from escaping, the penguin, who is of course afraid of anything dangerous, hid in the reflector shield house with the MAYOR of Brandernath. It is, or was, I can’t remember, or didn’t remember which, just you and the monkey now. “Try to reason with him!” shouted the MAYOR. Suddenly, a giant robot praying mantis appeared overhead, and the monkey was confused. That was your chance. With all of the strength of the greatest hero of them all, you called for help and ran. Then, as if in response to you, a weird looking possum or bear dropped from the sky. The monkey did a tremendous leap and began fighting the possum-bear in mid-air (heh heh. It rhymes). Luckily, the possum-bear overpowered the monkey, and pushed him towards one of Brandernath village’s famous cloud creatures, which is a genetically enhanced fighting super creature of some sort, resembling a cloud with evil eyes and big, sharp, pointy teeth. As quick as you can say there once was a person who lived inside a box, his name was Bill, he ate rocks for lunch and spoke Spanish in his free-time, but only if people gave him quarters, the mutant cloud creature ate the monkey and in one swift movement, devoured the MAYOR’s cool hat. At last, with your mission accomplished, and the remaining people of the village who were smart enough to remain indoors during the berserk undead monkey attack, were free once again to roam the town without fear of undead monkeys or giant robot praying mantis’, you return to the mayor and the penguin, who were having a delightful conversation about why the mayor’s name is no longer in all caps. In case all you readers are wondering, it’s because the mayor’s cool hat was a symbol of authority over letters, or something like that. He can make them capital when he wants to with his hat... I guess. Anyway, the people of Brandernath are safe, thanks to you, and the mayor is doing fine. The penguin returned to his home world of Penguania, and the possum-bear was shot and killed by some drunks at a local bar, who were trying to settle an argument. But the important thing is that the very clever, and now evil monkey is finally dead.... OR IS HE???

TO BE CONTINUED...

[Umbrafire]

That’s Right... A sequel!
GBITW #3
If Only I Had A Dollar

Warning: this book may contain flying water buffalo. If you are allergic, or have had bad reactions to any buffalo, I suggest you stop reading...Before it’s too late!

We begin where we left off, the monkey has been eaten, the penguin is gone, the possum-bear is gone, the mayor is all right, and there is no guarantee that the giant robot praying mantis will ever leave. As you stroll down the street, you meet a guy in a black suit holding a briefcase. “Hi I’m the one responsible for the giant robot praying mantis. My name is Jim. I believe there will be a large cash reward for you if I may have your cooperation–that’s when you punched him in the spine and took his stuff. “Hey! My secret plans!” shouted Jim. As you race down the block, you realize that Jim has called the FWBG after you, the FWBG come from the Company, a secret Brandernath based military organization with the power to create genetically enhanced buffalo. The FWGB are the Company’s special flying water buffalo guardians. If you stop running, they will surely eat your soul. The man, Jim must work for the Company. You decide that it’s about time someone got to the bottom of the string of strange events occurring recently. That time machine, the Croatian police, the monkey, the hat, the robot, and now this so called “Jim”. The Company’s secret headquarters were only a few blocks away. You can hear the FWBG gaining. Suddenly you realize that you can simply eat sandwiches until you can outrun the FWBG. Your last minute plan works, and in minutes you are inside the secret headquarters. The strange thing is, nobody is there. Even the FWBG have vanished. A large sign reads “take one,” with an arrow pointing to a map kiosk. “Kiosk is a funny word,” you think to yourself as you snatch a map. The map has a directory reading:

1st floor- Maps, 2nd floor- WB researching, 3rd floor- nothingness, 4th floor- TOFITWIWTUPOFLI cage, 5th floor- TOFITWIWTUPOFLI storage and maintenance, 6th floor- assorted death, 7th floor- keys to superweapons, 8th floor- visitor service, 9th floor- executives office, 10th floor- TGWLAE, 11th floor- robot manufacturing, 12th floor- ???, 13th floor- in case of emergency, 14th floor- biohazard lab, 15th floor- snack room.

“Mmmm... Snacks,” you think as you head to the elevator and press 15. As soon as you reach the 15th floor, you realize that the mayor said he would be in the Company building. Just then, you spot the mayor near a snack machine labeled Death in a Can. The mayor is about to drink one! Thinking quickly, you perform an unnecessary acrobatic move, and leap at the mayor. If you can only... No, too late, dead. “What a pity,” you think, “the mayor didn’t finish all his death.” As you take the mayor’s wallet and begin proceeding to the 8th floor, you realize that you should have gone there first. However, as you arrive, you are greeted by a crazy possum-bear. Thinking fast, the possum-bear slices your throat with his razor-sharp claws. Fortunately, he misjudged his attack and fell into the open elevator shaft. You wonder why the possum-bear is still alive. Maybe the visitor floor will help. But there’s only a desk, nobody’s here. As you reach the 9th floor, you are attacked by a group of executives, Five in all. Although you’re bleeding badly, you get into the elevator. The five executives follow, using the other elevators. One gets off on the 3rd floor, and vanishes forever. Another stops on the 4th floor, and needless to say TOFITWIWTUPOFLI takes care of him. Another gets off for good on the 12th floor. With all uncertainty, his fate is uncertain. Number for stops at the 6th floor, and that was his very deadly mistake. This leaves you to deal with one. In your haste, you have pushed 14. The same as the last executive. You’re cornered! As he closes in, he realizes he’s just a stupid executive, and runs away. Now you discover the horrifying truth, the Company was randomly resurrecting dead things! Suddenly, FWBG from the 2nd floor attack. You retreat to the elevator, and accidently push 4! (That’s bad). Ready to push 13, the door opens and the charred, frozen and internally burned corpse of an executive jams in the door. The terrifying TOFITWIWTUPOFLI closes in. Now, in these final seconds of you’re life, you think: If only I had a dollar...

What will happen next?






















Ka-blah!

[Umbrafire]

Just What is TOFITWIWTUPOFLI?
The 4th installment of TGSITW

I’m sure you’re all wondering what TOFITWIWTUPOFLI is. Well... I’m not going to tell you, so let’s continue the epic saga then shall we? Very well.
Hey! My first indentation! TOFITWIWTUPOFLI is closing in on you, if you recall, and you desperately need a dollar for some reason. Just then, you remember the mayor’s wallet! Perhaps you won’t be a smoldering, frozen corpse with severe internal burns after all. But wait. As you open the mayor’s wallet, TOFITWIWTUPOFLI eats it. Now you have no hope... Meanwhile, I the writer of this series, hereby declare this day, April the 27th, national ham sandwich day. All you vegetarians out there can enjoy a delicious tofu sandwich, or whatever. Anyway, back at the secret building of some sort, TOFITWIWTUPOFLI pauses to eat a ham sandwich, you need not participate, already having eaten a sandwich not too long ago. Now you can escape, in the elevator you press 13, and when you get there, you are confronted by a swarm of killer bees. Fortunately, ham sandwich day is be helpful day for the bees, and they assist you down a flight of stairs and out the back door. Sounds like adventure time for you... Head to Brandernath village department store for some supplies, you will need a jigsaw puzzle (preferably 9x9 inch picture of George Washington), a hatchet, a bottle of pepper sauce (hot), a machine that turns old collectable bottle caps into quarters (if you can’t buy it, find it or build it), a fax machine, a flamethrower, and a pair of skis. Head to the top of Mount Brandernath, and put on the skis and ski down the northeast slope. At this point, both you and I probably don’t even know what you’re chasing, so you’ll need your jigsaw puzzle. If you take the pieces and rearrange them in a certain order, it will be a map. You only have five minutes to do this before the large, freezing hat creature attacks you. If you can’t solve the map puzzle, then get rid of your fax machine, as that contains the tracking device the hat is following. Why would you buy it in the first place idiot? I’ll tell you why, because if you do solve the map puzzle in time, send a fax to the three largest support groups that can help you: the cloud creatures, the penguin, and the Japanese Mafia. Then you get rid of your fax machine, and continue skiing. From here, follow the simple instructions.


If you didn’t solve the puzzle, and sent no fax.

The hat creature will not attack you, but you don’t know where you’re going. Withdraw your hatchet and your bottle cap machine. Take the cap of the hot sauce and put it through the machine. The quarter you get will be a state quarter. The state on the coin will be your destination. Do not lose the coin. Head directly to the state capitol building of that state and tell the receptionist that you need to speak with the creator of the universe. When she says she cannot arrange that, tell her to write a random number down. It will be the creator of the universe’s phone number. Call him up and ask for a dollar. He will mail it to you right away (allow 10-12 weeks for postage). Then, take the dollar back to the Brandernath secret HQ, 13th floor, and give it to the old lady standing there, who you failed to notice before. She will thank you politely, and give you a magic umbrella. Satisfied that your mission is finished. Return to your home until next time.


If you solved the puzzle, and sent the fax.

The cloud creatures will arrive first. Tell them to hold off the hat creature. Ski down until you reach a wall of ice, which you must melt with your flamethrower. Doing so will inevitably cause an avalanche, which you should outdistance, but the cloud creatures will dig you out if you don’t. Once at the bottom, an old man will congratulate you on a job well done. Don’t trust him, he’s probably behind that ice wall. Zing the hot sauce right in his eyes, permanently blinding him and leaving him writhing in the snow. Unfortunately, the real culprit is behind the tree. He will escape on a snowmobile, so take the old man’s blindness medication and eye wash, and use them to make a bomb, by mixing them with the remainder of the hot sauce. Take the makeshift explosive and the old man’s emergency alert system. Press the button on it to summon, the medical help the old man needs, and tell them the old man is a drug dealer. Once he’s under arrest, the penguin will arrive. With the help of his psychic powers, you can follow the escaped guy. When you find him, the Japanese mafia will kill him five times before he even hits the ground. Take his magic umbrella and return to brandernath.



Now that you have the magic umbrella, you can get into an argument with the lady at the supermarket about the difference between an umbrella and a parasol.

Is the magic umbrella the secret to the safety of Brandernath?
Find out in the 5th Greatest Series book.

[Umbrafire]

This summer...

The book formerly known as word perfect document is...
THE BREAKFAST RE-ENACTMENT
part 5 of TGSITW

For one small town, things were always the same. Until one day... A small child arrives in the town, his past is a mystery. The only thing the citizens of Brandernath knew was, this one little boy was trouble. Quickly, they form an unruly mob with pitchforks and torches, preparing to drive the child from their town. Unfortunately, this little boy was not in fact trouble. He only wanted to sell tortillas to the people. Now, in this dark hour, Little Tortilla Boy turns to his last hope... You! Umbrella in hand, you prepare for the fight of your life to get LTB out of the country. As the mob probably has the exits covered, you and LTB need to find a secondary exit.
“Tu necesita cortar los hijos!” says LTB. “I don’t know what you just said,” you say, “but we need to get you out of the city!” Finding that you can’t speak Spanish, you take LTB up to the roof of a nearby building, where you keep the emergency glider that you built yourself. As you and LTB hold on to the makeshift conveyance, you start the engine just as the unruly mob arrives. Shouting and waving their torches, they watch helplessly as the two of you fly to freedom. Unfortunately, the glider is a glider and therefore is not capable of powered flight. The weight of the engine causes it to go into an uncontrolled nosedive outside the Brandernath city limits. Crashing into the rocks is bad for the glider. What? Of course it is! I already knew that! As if crashing into the rocks is good for the glider. Duh! What kind of a moron are you? Anyways, LTB was eaten by a bear on impact. Now you need to stay away from Brandernath until the heat dies down. As you begin your great journey across the world, you wonder if there really is a God? Then you remember that you talked to him on the phone, and he sent you a dollar. Or didn’t, depending how you read the fourth GBITW. By now, however, you have reached the Great Brandernath Mountains, that surround the whole city. They are twice as tall as Mt. Everest at their highest point. Nobody really took the time to write it down though. Or mention it to someone. Or put them on a map. But the point is they are there, and if you don’t like it, well too bad! So anyways, you need to find a place to spend the night. Just then, you spot a cave, not far from there, so you climb up to it and you find not one roast turkey, not two roast turkeys, not even THREE roast turkeys, but just a guy standing there. Feeling disappointed at not having found a turkey, you prepare to go to sleep. Then, the man speaks. “Greetings,” he says. “I am the one and only Word Maker. “I create all of the new words, things, and ideas that you see in this land of Brandernath. Why, the very word Brandernath was my creation! Come, let me show you my workshop. If you’re good, you might even get a reward for coming this far!” As you and the old man (for that is the 1st accurate description of him) walk back into the cave, he explains everything on the way. “This is the word machine. It puts letters together automatically and sends them to this computer here. This is the definition database. All of the words sent here have no meanings, and the computer selects the best one to fit the word. Right now it’s processing the definition for the word absckrabble. But the very best words are the ones created completely by me! This is my workshop. I use only my tools. No computers are involved. Instead, I take old words that are just mistakes and split-second acronyms, and turn them into real words. For example, Brandernath is just a severely misspelled word: underneath. And I’m sure a lot of people would love to no what TOFITWIWTUPOFLI is. Well, thats an acronym meaning The Only Fr–.” at that moment, the whole mountain started to shake violently. As the old man rushes to check his equipment, you wonder what’s going on. Before you can react, a rabid beef sponge lunges at you from it’s home in the rocks. Opening your magic umbrella just in time is the only thing that saves you from the rabid beef sponge. Shooing it away, you realize that the native rabid beef sponges never act like that. Something must have really spooked it. Oh yeah, the earthquake that’s been going on for the last few minutes. Quite suddenly, the quake subsides. Peering cautiously over the edge of the cave, a squirrel hits you on the head with a metal pipe. Too late, you’re dead.

This can’t be!! The greatest hero of all time is dead?

[Lobstrosity]

Such a spectacular tale of. . . something spectacular. Anyway, yeah as Jiub here already said the 6th and final book of the series is no longer saved, however I do have a copy on paper and I will at some point retype it. Until then, you will just have to wonder how you manage to get out of this sticky situation.

[Vash]

Actually I think me or Kagome have a copy somewhere, I'll try and find it.

[Azan]

lobstrosity said:

Such a spectacular tale of. . . something spectacular. Anyway, yeah as Jiub here already said the 6th and final book of the series is no longer saved, however I do have a copy on paper and I will at some point retype it. Until then, you will just have to wonder how you manage to get out of this sticky situation.

Well untill you do retype it you could always scan it and post the pic here. (if you dont have a scanner I know jiub has one

BTW Jiub, this could be put in NZ's soon to be archives where we could copyright it etc. etc.

wait a minuet, I just got an idea.... jiub think about it TEXT ADVENTURE of these, then again I am tired so it may not seem like a good idea when im fully awake (or maybe not a text adventure, but something else with programming)

[Umbrafire]

okay, okay, not text adventure, but one of those birds-eye view games like old zeldas, but with spectacular particle effects, and following that storyline

[Azan]

Hmm possibly, but it would be harder to get in all the crazy stuff that happens.

[Umbrafire]

it's be worth it, lol

[Kagome]

hmm . . . V-Chan we have # 5 not # 6. I didn't know there was a number six. weird huh? yeah I am SO out of the loop.

[Lobstrosity]

Yeah I didn't think either of you read # 6 but Paul knew what happened and he says he read it, so I guess only you haven't read it.

[Kagome]

probably but I still think neither one of us have it unless he's holding out on me. I may have read it. Idk